Last Thursday, the Mueller Report was finally released to the public—most of it, at least. And then the commentary started. No, not the debates over collusion, vindication, or obstruction, though those have indeed kept the political pundits fueled since the report’s release. We’re talking about, well, this:
The internet, thumbing through the Mueller Report’s 448 pages, couldn’t help wonder “wouldn’t this be better as…” And neither could we.
Below are our top 8 items from the Mueller Report, and what they would have been better as.
Of course, if you want to find these phrases yourself, the report itself won’t do. That’s because the report was released in an unsearchable form, consisting of pages that were printed and rescanned, and originally delivered to Congress via CD-Rom.
We’ve made finding the best bits of the Mueller Report a little easier, by uploading the document to Logikcull. In Logikcull, the report is automatically OCRed, rendering the text searchable—just one of 3,000 automated processing steps. From there, users can find keywords, search out key topics and characters, and easily track down details of illicit meetings, geopolitical intrigue, and mysterious figures like “Fancy Bear.”
The searchable Mueller Report in Logikcull is free and available to the public—and, if you find any surprising phraseology we missed below, let us know with a simple in-app comment.
8 Items From the Mueller Report That Would Have Been Better As...
1. Guccifer 2.0
Actual Meaning: Refers to a persona who claims to have hacked DNC computers in 2016.
Would've Been Better As: A Norwegian black metal band that spun off from OG Guccifer after a tragic accident involving hundreds of gallons of fake pig’s blood.
2. Russia, If You're Listening...
Actual Meaning: Opening salvo of DJT's press conference imploring Russian hackers to find Hillary Clinton's "30,000 emails that are missing."
Would've Been Better As: The title of the president's Judy Blume-inspired novel for National Teen Age Republicans.
3. DC Leaks
Actual Meaning: Now-defunct website publishing leaked politico emails.
Would've Been Better As: A now-defunct celebrity gossip site publishing Ian MacKaye sightings, cataloging the Bush sisters’ favorite Georgetown haunts, and providing apocryphal readings of Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s jabots.
4. Sater’s Overtures to Cohen
Actual meaning: Attempts by Felix Sater, a New-York-based real estate advisor, to recruit Michael Cohen to Russia to meet with Russian leaders.
Would've Been Better As: A mid-18th-century Rococo painting featuring an amorous goat frolicking with a local nobleman.
5. Paul Manafort's Complicated Ties
Actual meaning: Washington Post headline referencing the president's former campaign manager's alleged ties to pro-Russian politicians in Ukraine.
Would've Been Better As: A single-camera sitcom about a conservative Washington powerbroker who finds out he was separated at birth from his left-wing twin!
6. Crazy, A Real Nut Job
Actual meaning: The president's description to Russian ambassadors of former FBI director James Comey, whom he just fired.
Would've Been Better As: Todd Rundgren's shelved follow-up to 1973's classic, "A Wizard, A True Star."
7. Happy 55th Birthday Dear Boss
Actual meaning: Signs held by Russian employees, claiming to be U.S. activists, outside the White House, to celebrate the birthday of Russian oligarch Yevgeny Prigozhin.
Would've Been Better As: "Happy 55th Birthday Deer Boss," indicating precisely the same scenario, except this time the oligarch is a very wealthy and very powerful buck.
8. The Guy Who Gave You Your Biggest Black Caviar Jar
Actual meaning: Pseudonym for Viktor Yanukovych, former president of Ukraine, who reportedly Paul Manafort a $40,000 jar of caviar—not Manafort’s only black caviar jar, not his first black caviar jar, not his best black caviar jar, but his biggest.
Would’ve Been Better As: Pretty much anything, as long as you get a jar of caviar out of it.
Want to dive into the Mueller Report yourself? Get started here.